Insecurities
by Chucky234
Summary: Sara's insecurities take over and she looses control, Will Catherine be able to help her before it's too late.. for both of them.
1. Chapter 1

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**A/N This is the first fic I've posted and I don't know if its any good but I hope you enjoy it. I just got the idea in my head and stayed up 'till 3:00 this morning writing. It's two parts maybe more depending on how people like it next chapter will be up asap. So enough from me, Enjoy. **

I couldn't stop crying, I watched the worry in her face turn fade into an insecure panic. "Baby what's wrong? Is it me? Have i done something wrong please

Stop crying" she begged.

She loosened her embrace on me and held me out at arms length so she could look into my overflowing eyes, i tried to nuzzle back into her neck but she wouldn't't let me. She touched my face "Do i not make you happy anymore?" Silence. I started to cry harder and put more effort in to my attempt to nuzzle back into her neck. She made sure i stayed at arm's length. "Hu?" she questioned, now with a harsher tone in her voice.

I had been with Sara for a long time now and i knew about how insecure she got. But i also knew if she wasn't reassured often then those thoughts and feelings would over take her mind and body and she'd have no control. I knew as a teenager she'd turn to pain to overcome the feeling's of insecurity, she'd put matches out on her arm's thinking in some warped way she was balencing out the way she was. I never understood. As she grew older she turned to drink to reassure her instead of the pain. But since we'd been together she'd stopped drinking and turned to me to reassure her. But today i couldn't, i didn't have it in me. A part of my world had just come crashing down, i couldn't have reassured the most confident, secure person everything was okay let alone my insecure, underconifdent lover. I guess I'd just have to let the insecurities win this one, and hope we'd come out on top at the end of it.

I looked into her now noticeably darker eyes, silently begging her to drop this crazy insecure idea and let me cry it all out in her arms. But i saw the insecurity and rage subconsciously take over. "Are you just going to ignore me?" she spat as she increased the tight grip on my shoulders. The tears were still streaming down my face.

"Please let go," i retorted, much quieter and frightened than i would have liked it to have came out. Sara sneered as she once again tightened her grip on my shoulders, her long nails digging into my bare skin.

"Answer the fucking question Cat!" she yelled as she shook me hard, my whole body trembling at her force. I knew this wasn't my Sara, this was insecure, unsure Sara taking over, controlling. All i needed to do was answer her, calm her down and she'd stop. But i couldn't, not at this moment in time, everything was falling apart I couldn't even calm myself down or stop myself from crying.

I yelped as she dug her nails further into my skin. I could see the confused and scared girl behind her rage and anger in her now almost black eyes. "Sara, Your hurting me," i said barely above a whisper this time.

She ignored my protests and started yelling again, "So I'm not good enough, is that right? You don't love me anymore? You never did? i can't say i don't blame you. Not enough, Right?" I let the all ready streaming tears keep falling as i watched the last rationalized parts of her mind be taken over by the insecurities. She was so wrong i loved her with every single fibre of my being. She did make me happy, everyday. She was good enough; in fact she was too good. I just, i couldn't covey that to her right now, not while i was in the state i was in, neither of us were ourselves.

"Sara-" I tried but i was cut off. She violently swung me around and forcefully pushed me up against the wall, she started yelling again, this time in despair.

"I just wanted to love you, that's all i wanted…" SLAM! she pulled me forward and pushed my back against the hard wall. "I wanted to make you happy…" SLAM! she repeated her earlier actions. "what did i do wrong!" When i didn't respond she quickly but masterfully hit my across the face, i fell to the ground, my silent tears now turned into wrenching sobs again.

"I'll go pack my bags," she mumbled quietly, turning to make her way up her stairs. i could tell in her voice some of the rage had subsided and she was starting to feel guilt but that didn't mean she still wasn't insecure.

"No," i managed to coke out between relentless sobs. She didn't even turn around as she made her way up stairs.

**Review and let me know what you think. Good and bad comments are appreciated. (:**

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	2. Chapter 2

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**A/N Okay so here is part two! I don't know whether to extend this fic or keep it as a two parter, let me know what you guys think. I made a few alterations, I don't know if its any good. If I don't get any review's I'll just assume it's horrible and start something new far away from here. Enjoy. **

**Disclaimer: I don't own anything.**

It took about 5 minuets for the tears to subside and for me to drag my self up to our bedroom. I stood in the door way, watching as my lover forcefully banged and slammed doors and drawers collecting items and placing them in a small holdall on the bed as she went along.

"Stop" i spoke weakly making my presence know. She's didn't look up; she just busied herself as if she was almost afraid to look at me. i wasn't going away.

Another 5 minuets of Slamming and Bang's before she finally looked up at me. I saw the colour in her face fade and her eye's immediately filled with tears. She froze. I don't know if it was the look i gave her, or the swollen bruise on the side of my eye, or my tear stained face or all three but i was certainly going to use her frozen state to my advantage. I realized somewhere between being hit to the ground and Sara walking away from me, that she couldn't defeat her insecurities by herself and i needed to step in.

I reached out for her hands. She pulled away. "Butterfly?" i used the familiar pet name to grab her attention "you make me happy" i started, looking deep into her empty brown eyes, " i wanted to tell you that when you asked me, but i was upset and i didn't want to sound unconvincing…" I saw the insecurities start to melt away. "Darling, i love you with everything i have, i really do and you need to start remembering that, okay?" i asked softly as i placed a hand on her chin and directed her gaze to meet mine. She nodded weakly as a she let guilty tears fall from her eyes. i caught them with my thumb.

A minuet or so passed as we just stood staring into each others eyes, mine conveying love and certainty, hers conveying guilty and sorrow. She slowly reached out and gently placed a hand on the swollen bruised part of my face, "I'm sorry, im so sorry," was all she could manage before her voice cracked and more tears made their way down her face, i once again caught them and whispered comforting words into her ear "Hush baby it's all okay, im okay, its not you fault, its all okay, im okay, i love you."

Her tears finally subsided and she looked up at me with a guilty look on her face "Baby, what happened? why were you so upset when you came in?" she asked much calmer this time.

I stopped as the events of the previous day l came rushing back to me "its Lindsey…" i started

I saw a mixture of guilt, shock and fear flash across my lovers face, "But honey, we spoke to her and Nancy last night, she was fine, she was enjoying Disneyland with her cousin. oh my god what happened? is she okay? please tell me she's okay?" I loved this concern my lover had for my daughter, that's what made Sara different from all my other conquests, she actually cared about Lindsey too.

"Uhh, well she had an accident, but she's okay now it was just a fractured arm but she had to have surgery. But i was upset and angry because she's my child and i wasn't there to tell her everything was going to be okay, you know, i couldn't hold her and comfort her." I was babbling by now, Sara smiled sympathetically as i began to cry again. She instinctively wrapped her arms tightly and i buried my head in her chest and nuzzled my nose into her neck while she reassured me everything would be all

right.

Although I couldn't help thinking somewhere in the back of my mind this wouldn't be all right. For how long could I keep putting up with my lovers sudden change in mood. Living in fear of what might happen next time her insecurities took over. How long would the insecurities control her next time; after she hit's me to the floor? Kicks me while I'm down? After I beg for my life? What if she just stopped feeling guilt? _I couldn't risk it. _

She looks down at me after my tears had subsided, I look up into her sorrow filled eyes silently begging me for forgiveness. _Well maybe I could risk it, until next time. _She slowly leans in and captures my lips with hers.

**So should I leave it here, or continue? Please review and let me know what you think or let me know if you have any idea's as to how I could continue. Once again good and bad comments are welcome (: **

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	3. Chapter 3

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**A/N Here is chapter three! Thank you guys for the reviews they are much appreciated. Don't worry there wont be any main character death's in this fic although they could come close. And happy endings aren't always guaranteed but I'll do my best (:**

**Enjoy.**

It had been a week and a half since I had let Sara's insecurities took over, a week and a half since she hit me, a week and a half since I promised myself I would not let it happen again. Things had been good between us but although Sara tried to hide it I knew she felt guilty for what happened that night. I tried to convince her that I knew it wasn't her fault and I knew she didn't mean it, that it wasn't her who was in control. But that failed to ease her guilt.

The bruise that now inhabited a large proportion of the left side of my face hadn't helped either. I tried my best to cover it with make up but it was a fruitless effort and people started asking 'what happened?' the best I could come up with at work was "I walked in to a door, " everyone one seemed to believe me. However when it came to my mother's curious inquiry I told her "I had an accident at a crime scene," as my mother was far more familiar with the world of 'walking into door's' than the guys at work. As for Sara, she hated the fact I was lying and tried to convince me to 'tell the truth and let her suffer like she deserved' but I told her I loved her and there was no way in hell that was going to happen.

Sometimes I started to think _why am I protecting her? _But then she's kiss my or hold me close and I'd remember I was helplessly in love.

It was a Friday night the day before Lindsey was due to return from Disneyland and Sara and me had both pulled a double and were exhausted. We had planned to get home as soon as we could, rent a few DVD's, get take out pizza and just have a quiet relaxing night in enjoying each others company.

I got home about 10:00pm, a little bit later than I had planned but I was just glad to be home. I found the house in darkness when I got in; I kicked my shoes off at the door, dropped my keys on the table by the door and went in search of my lover. I needed to see her, I had just had one of the worst cases of my career and I needed someone to hold me and understand "Sara?" I called out as I searched the silent downstairs of the house, turning lights on as I went. I became increasingly worried as I found the empty living area scattered with empty beer bottles and discarded pizza boxes.

I decided to take my search up stairs. I found Sara curled up on our bed, from the look of the way her shoulders were shaking in the darkness I guessed she was crying. "Butterfly?" I treaded carefully, knowing that she had been drinking and it was probably best not to upset her in the slights way after she's been drinking as the consequences' would double. "Talk to me?" I moved closer to the bed, extending my arm cautiously to rest on her back. She shook it off and stood up in attempt to leave the room. I grabbed her had. "What's up?" I said softly

She tried to shake my hand off her arm and succeeded. "What's up? What the fuck Cat, You know what's up!" she started yelling angrily. I didn't understand.

"I don't know what's up, that's why I asked" I said all to innocently for Sara's liking

"You! You promised we'd spend the evening together! I would be me and you nothing would get in the way. You finished work over 2 hours ago and what did something else come up? What were you doing while I was here waiting for you to come home!" I could hear the insecurities creep in to her voice, and I could also see it in her eyes and mixed with the alcohol, I was pretty certain this night wouldn't turn out 'okay'.

I wanted to just calm Sara down, and tell her the truth but she made me so angry when she jumped to conclusions. Even if she wasn't in full control of her mind right now, I didn't care, I was going to push my luck this time and argue back. _Maybe that's what she needed?_

"Jeez, I'm only 2 hours late, Sar, and It's not like I didn't try to call. You phone was switched off," I began calmly. "and how did you know I got out of work 2 hours ago? Did you seriously check up on me?" I asked a little angrier than I started. She didn't respond to my question just looked at the floor. "Hu?"

Her eye's shot up to me and I saw the same darkness I saw a week and a half ago, this confirmed my earlier suspicion, the insecurities had taken control. "I was worried and a little pissed off" she yelled "What were you doing? Did it take you two whole fucking hours to drive home?" rage had now found its way into her voice.

"Are you accusing me of something?" I questioned moving away from her.

"Yes. No. I don't know. Why won't you just be honest with me, instead of lying and sneaking around, why can't you trust me?" I was completely lost, I had no idea what this outburst was about anymore, all I knew was that Sara was insecure, out of control, angry and tipsy.

"So I'm a lying, sneaky, untrusting person is that what your saying? Well maybe you're the one with the trust problem not me!" that was the wrong thing to say and I knew it the second it came out of my mouth. I had just made her insecurities a hundred times worse and I knew it.

All of a sudden I wrists forcefully pinned up against the wall, I struggled to get free but I was rewarded with a hard slap across the face. "You don't trust me" it was more of a statement than a question. I didn't respond. "I'd trust you with my life and you don't trust me!" I didn't respond again and was rewarded with another slap.

It's not that I didn't want to respond, it's that I couldn't. I knew if I opened my mouth it would be to argue and I decided that was not the best tactic right now so instead I'd keep quiet and just wait until it was over and Sara was back to being herself again.

"Why won't you answer me!" she begged visibly upset by my lack of response.

I couldn't bite my tongue anymore, her deathly grip on my wrists were beginning to sting. I just prey that my mind could think of something to say that wouldn't make the situation worse. "You know I trust you Sara." I quietly responded to her earlier question. "Just not when you being like this" There it was, my mouth just had to add that on the end.

THUD! I was on the floor. Three more Thuds, her fist connected with my skin. "Like THIS! This is who I am and you signed up to everything when you said 'I love you' I told you not to say it! Didn't I? you should have listened, for your own good." she relentlessly ranted as she stood up from her position over my on the floor and numbly sat on the bed.

It look me a minuet so to for the room to stop spinning before I stood and moved to kneel in front of her. I could tell by her eye's that she had calmed down, gained some control. But I wasn't sure so I was careful with what I said still. "I love you, every single bit," I lied, I didn't like the out of control side of her, "But we will talk about this," I gestured to myself and the room around us ". I just need some time to myself for a bit, I'm going to go for a drive. I'll be back." I touched her pale face "I promise." with that I got up and walked out of the room I heard her whisper "I'm sorry," as I shut the door behind me.

…...

I drove for about an hour until I found a quiet, private area on looking Lake Meade; I parked the car, lent my head against the steering wheel and just sobbed.

I loved Sara with all my heart, I knew that. But after Eddie I promised myself never to let anyone hurt me in the way he did. But there was something different about Sara, even though she hurt me my love for her just seemed to over ride everything. It didn't matter how many time's she'd hit me in her insecure controlled rage, I knew deep down in my heart and mind I'd always love her. But was really enough, I had not only my safety to worry about but also Lindsey's. I know Sara would never intentionally hurt my daughter, but then again there was a time I knew Sara would never hurt me. I was wrong then. What if I was wrong again? How long could I keep living in fear of the woman I loved?

I stayed in my car debating everything until I noticed the sun begin to rise. I was physically and emotionally exhausted, but I had made my decision.

**A/N So did you like it? PLEASE review and let me know what you think? I'm not very good at dialogue so I'm hoping it didn't ruin this chapter. Good and bad comments are appreciated (:**

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	4. Chapter 4

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**A/N Things will get better soon (:**

**Enjoy**

"We need to talk, " I began as I lead Sara into the living room I sat down on the sofa and gestured for her to come sit next to me, she obeyed reluctantly.

I had just got home from my 'drive' I took last night. Driving home I had known exactly what I was going to say to Sara, but as soon as I stepped in the door at home all the words seemed to melt away as I saw her sat on the stairs, staring blankly at the door, tear tracks still visible on her cheeks.

"I.. Uhh.. I think that we should… Uhhm.. discus what is happening between," I gestured at the space between Sara and myself "..between, us." I studied Sara as I spoke. Her posture was tense, her eye's not leaving the invisible spot on the floor. "I want to understand how you are feeling, can you tell me why you.." I paused trying to find the right words "..why you keep losing control?"

Sara was silent to a moment as if she was internally analysing all her problems, "I..I.. its just that.. I can't.. I don't know, it's just.. " I put my finger to her lips in order to silence her stuttering. She just looked at my wide eyed. Then I spoke softly "Okay, its okay. Just tell me what is going through your mind."

Sara hesitated again before starting "I don't understand why your still here," she said simply, shifting her gaze from me to the floor again.

"What go you mean?" I asked slightly startled by her statement.

"I hurt you, badly and I made you cry and it's not right. You could just leave me. You would have no problem finding someone else who loves and cares for you better than I can. You could be happy. I just don't understand why your choosing to stay here, with me." I watched as the tears began to make their way down her face again, I fought back my own tears.

"I love you," those three word were all that I could say to sum up every reason I had for coming home this morning. I reached out and but my hand on her cheek gently tilting her face to I could look into her eyes. I placed my lips on hers and kissed her softly, when I didn't't get a response from her eye pulled back still looking into her eyes. "I love you. But we really need to sort things out. Why do you keep losing your control?"

She stood up quickly , a panicked look crossing her face, she began pacing the living area. "I don't know!" she sighed "I can't explain it, it's too complicated, I don't understand it myself."

"Butterfly, I want to help you understand." I stood up facing her and took both her hands in mine. She gave me a frightened look, like a deer in the head lights. _Was she afraid of me understanding?_ her look told me she was terrified of me understanding because in order for me to understand I' have to dig right into her past, with for some reason or another, I knew my lover liked to keep from everyone including me.

She tensed and pulled away from me. I moved closer but she continued to back away, "Please?" I begged. All I wanted to do was help her, to fix her so we could be happy again.

She was close to the door now, I went to put my hands on her waist but she just shook her head and whispered "Not now." I watched as she turned around and walked out the front door.

…..

I had picked Lindsey up from my sister's and took her to lunch, she was so excited to show me the cast on her arm. Then dropped her at a friends house and headed into work. I hadn't spoken to Sara since she walked out this morning. I was hoping she would be in work early so i could talk to her before shift started. But to my dismay I found the break room empty. I poured a coffee and settled down at the break room table with a magazine, I'd just patiently wait for shift to start. I had been scanning through the magazine for a few minuets when i heard the break room door swing open, i looked up hoping to see my Sara, but instead i found my favourite Texan CSI approaching me. "Hey Nicky," i greeted him

"Hey, Cath," he replied cheerfully "your in early"

"Yeah, no traffic," I lied. The Texan poured himself a coffee and sat opposite me on the table. After a few minuets i felt his gaze on me. I looked up from my magazine; I could tell he was deep in through, his eyes focused on the bruise on the side of my face. "Nicky?" I questioned bringing him out of his daze

"Cath, don't lie to me," he said, eye's still focused on my face

"What? I have no idea what you talking about."

"Nobody walks into a door, twice in under 2 weeks…"

**A/N: Good or Bad? Please review and let me know what your think. Idea's or always welcome too. (:**

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	5. Chapter 5

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**A/N: So chapter five (: hope everyone like's this chapter, I'm not exactly confident with it but I'm hoping it's not as bad as I think it is.**

**Enjoy. **

"Nick honestly I don't know what you are on about?" I stuttered, preying he'd just drop it.

"Cath. Stop it. You have to tell what's going on, you clearly need some help. You can trust me," Nick spoke seriously to me in a tone I don't' think I'd ever heard aimed at me from him before. "but if you don't want to tell me, tell Warrick, or Grissom or someone. Please." _Shit what lie was I going to come up with now?_

I took a deep breath; maybe I did need some help. Nick wouldn't be the type to run off to the cops. He'd want me to stay with Sara and get her help. _Right?_ Well I hoped so. "Okay, listen," I said reluctantly, "before I start you need to promise me you'll hear EVERYTHING and stay calm, okay?"

He looked at me with worry painted across his whole face "Okay."

"It started two weeks ago-" I started but was cut off by two voices entering the break room. I looked up; Greg and Warrick were approaching us. Thank god, maybe I didn't have to do thing after all, but the again it wasn't like Nick to let something like this drop.

"Hey Cath, Nick" Warrick greeted up as her went to the fridge and grabbed a bottle of water and joined us at the table with Greg.

Nick gave me the 'I'll talk to you later' look I dreaded seeing. Warrick and Greg picked up on this look, I saw Greg was about to say something but before he could he was disrupted by Grissom entering the break room to hand assignments.

"Okay," he began as he looked around "anyone seen Sara?" the guys all looked in my direction. The team had known me and Sara were together for well over three months. We kept our relationship a secret for a while, but after we told the guys they were all so supportive and Grissom even said if we acted professional at work then there was no need for Ecklie to know. I looked up at everyone suddenly feeling uneasy "I don't know where she is" I spoke quietly, as if they might not hear me and believe everything was okay.

"Okay, assignments," Grissom said "Nick, you have a B & E in Henderson Brass is already there he says it looks like a slam dunk you just need to process a few things. Greg you're with me we have a 419 in the dessert, and Cath you have paperwork to finish, right?"

I sighed before walking out of the break room to my office.

….

I had been working on paper work for what was nearing 2 hours, or should I say trying to work on paper work. Every time I paused to think my mind drifted to Sara, where was she? Was she hurt? Why hadn't she came in to work? I kept calling her but every time it just went to voice mail. There was even a point when I was going to go find her, but then what if she really didn't want to see me? I couldn't take this anymore is stood up and went off in search of some coffee. I stopped at my door by a familiar face walking in.

"Nick?" I questioned "What are you doing here? Aren't you on a case?"

"It was a slam-dunk," he said as her walked over to the sofa in my office, closing the door behind him. "Sit down, we need to talk."

I obeyed his command, I really didn't want to do this but maybe it would make me feel better, I concluded I could trust Nick he was as much Sara's friend as he was mine, but some how I couldn't help thinking it would be easier having this conversation with Greg right now.

Nick looked at me seriously once we were both seated on the couch. "You said it started two weeks ago…" he hesitated "what stared?"

Oh god, here it goes. I really hope he doesn't over react. "Two weeks ago when Lindsey was in Disneyland, me and Sara got into a sort of fight, I guess," I pause to look up at Nick there was worry painted all over his face. "She lost control, I had never seen her like that before" I paused again "she hit me"

All I could see was confusion in Nicks eyes "Sara hit you?"

"Yes. Well no. Nicky it wasn't her, not really you should have seen the look in her eyes, it was Sara on the outside but not on the inside she was different, not herself, she wasn't in control"

I could see him shake his head, he was about to say something. When I started again not giving him a chance to comment just yet. It went on to tell him about what happened the other night and my encounter with Sara this morning, by the end I was sobbing into Nicky's chest and his arms were wrapped tightly around me. I didn't quite know why I was crying, I think it was mainly the fact I blamed myself. If Sara wasn't with me right now then maybe she wouldn't feel the way she does, what if I had caused this? Let her fall and missed my chance to catch her. What if I couldn't fix this?

I was brought out of my musings by Nick calling my name softly. I looked up at him "Nicky," I paused trying to find the right words "please, don't tell anyone else, I'm going to get Sara help I just… We just need to work through it at her speed."

He went to argue but I silenced him. "I have it under control," I lied "I will get her help."

"Okay, but if I'm going to keep this to myself I need to you promise me you will do everything you can to get Sara some help, because I love you and I love Sara and I don't want anything to happen to either of you"

"I promise you it's not going to happen again"

…

I got home from work early hoping to find Sara at home, but knowing deep down that I probably wouldn't see her. I had know been trying her phone every 10 minuets for the past 3 hours, and I got nothing. I made my way into the kitchen hoping to go find something to cure my ever growing migraine, when I reached the kitchen I heard the front door swing open. I practically ran to the door

"Sara?" I stopped in front of her. She looked a mess, she had visible bags under her eyes and her eyes were red from crying. I began to start speaking again but she stopped me and fell into my arms, sobbing.

"Cat, I'm ready to talk now…"

**A/N: Good or Bad? Please review and let me know (:**

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	6. Chapter 6

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**A/N: Thank you to everyone who has reviewed so far, it is really appreciated and gives me a huge boast to continue writing. Glad everyone is enjoying this fic so far and hope you continue to.**

**Enjoy**

"Cat, I'm ready to talk now…" she spoke into my shoulder while sobs still shook through her body. I gently pulled her closer to me and ran a hand through her hair in an effort to calm her down enough to actually talk. The tears subsided slowly, but we stood in front of the front door, in the darkness of the hallway for a while. Her head was buried in my shoulder, and my head rested on hers. I breathed her scent and could feel her heart beating quickly against mine. We stood like that for several minuets, at ease in each others comfort.

Sara was the first to speak again "Can we go sit down?" she asked as she delicately took my hand and pulled me towards the living room. I took a place on the couch next to her, close enough to so she knew I was there for her but distant enough so she didn't feel over crowded.

I started the conversation that could potentially save or end our relationship, "Honey, where did you go last night, I was worried out of my mind," I tried not to sound angry or upset but I couldn't help it, it's how I felt.

"I drove out of the city, to a small town in the desert, there's this small diner, it's quiet. When I first moved to Vegas I used to drive out there every weekend, to just think about things and-"

I cut her off "You couldn't't have called me, or answered your cell. Not even just send one message to say you were alive!"

I could see the familiar darkness flare up in her eye's, her fist's clenched and her breathing rate increase. _Please not again, I don't think I had it in me, not again._ But as quickly as I saw these feelings appear is saw the fade just as fast. "Sorry," she whispered.

There was a long silence between us, I wanted to push Sara to speak more but I didn't want to push her to far that she would close up again. I just wanted to know what was wrong with her, why she kept losing control.

After about five minuets of silence Sara stood up and began pacing across the living area, I could see

That she was trying to figure out in her head what to say to me. She stopped in front of the window and looked out, facing away fro me. "I was six when he first told me I was worthless, " she started, I was confused but I didn't't interrupt, just listened intently. "then when I was eight he, my father, got sacked from his job and he couldn't cope so he started drinking and hitting my mum and when ever I was in the way he'd hit me too"

Things were starting to become clearer to me. I couldn't't see Sara's face but I could tell she was crying, I wanted to run over and hold her tight but at the same time I didn't't want to frighten her so I kept my distance for a while.

"My mum started getting high to cope with my father which meant she joined in on the beatings. They both treated e different from my brother, like I was a burden. Unwanted. If my brother got caught smoking weed or skipping school they would just yell at him, if I was caught doing anything as little as sneaking out of my room after 6pm to get a glass of water they'd beat me until I couldn't move. I started to believe that I deserved what they gave me. I became insecure in my own skin, my own mind and my life."

Sara was now sobbing but she didn't turn around. I went over to her a reluctantly placed a comforting hand on her shoulder. She pulled away at first but eventually gave up and broke down in my arms, I held her tight like I had done before. She took a deep breath, her head still buried in my shoulder. And started again, quieter this time "I'm turning in to my mother, and I can't help it. I hate her but we share DNA, I'm my mother's daughter and I'm going to end up like her." Her sobs became louder and her weak body began to tremble, she tried to pull away from me but tripped and ended up landing on the floor. I slid down to the floor next to her and place both my hands on her shoulder.

"Why?" I asked gingerly, I knew there was more to this story but I wasn't exactly sure how bad it was "What did your mother do?"

"I was eleven, my dad was drunk, my brother was out with his friends and my mother was argry for whatever the reason of the day was. She took it out on me all day. Made me stay home from school so I could take care of her while she got high, yelled at me and hit me. My dad got home late from work that night. My mother was cooking dinner, nobody in our house ate until my father was home, so she made us starve." Sara took a breath and looked away from me "when he got in she just turned around from the chopping board with the knife still in her hand and just stabbed my father, 13 times in the chest until he stopped breathing. Right in front of me. There was blood everywhere "

I pulled her closer to me, holding her still trembling body in my arms. I whispering words of comfort into her ear "Its going to be okay, I love you, it's all right, I've got you now, your safe, I'm not going anywhere, I love you baby.." although I don't think they were helping her, they were for sure helping me to calm down. I held her until there were no tears left and she pulled away from me. We both sat with out back's against the wall.

Sara spoke up first. "I've only told to other people that in my entire life," she took a breath "my best friend in college, her distanced himself from me after I told him and we didn't speak anymore. And my ex-girlfriend from San Francisco, she broke up with me the second I told her, Cat you the only one who didn't pull away from me or give me a pitiful look. You held me and told me you loved me," she shuffled awkwardly.

"And I meant it Sara, I love you and something as stupid as that isn't going to make me leave you," I placed a kiss on her forehead "but, you need to stop this losing control. I want to help you myself, but I don't think I can. You need to see a therapist,"

Fear ignited in her eye's and she visibly tensed, shaking her head. I took her hand in mine and squeezed it encouragingly "we can go together, me and you, we'll both work through this, together."

She relaxed a little "Promise, you won't leave me alone there?" she begged in a childish manor.

"I promise," I said firmly before pulling her in for a passionate kiss, I wanted to convey all my love for her into that single kiss but it was impossible. I pulled back and rested my head on her shoulder.

"I love you, butterfly," I said just above a whisper

"I love you too," she replied.

…

**A/N: Did you like? Please review and let me know. Good and bad comments are welcomed. (:**

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	7. Chapter 7

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**A/N: Thank you for all your reviews and support, it's really appreciated. So here is chapter 7 (:**

**Enjoy.**

It had been a week since Sara and I had talked about her problems and now we were sat side by side in the waiting room outside of Sara's new therapist's office. We had decided I would go with her for her first few sessions but after I would just wait outside for her. This was Sara's first session and I think I was as nervous as she was. The waiting room was plain but calming, the walls were white with a few framed pieces of artwork randomly placed on the walls. There were a few chairs placed against the wall and a door in the far right corner.

Sara's hand found it's way into my grasp, I squeezed it lovingly "It's going to be okay," I say reassuring her

"I know," she replied weakly "as long as I have you by my side I know everything will be okay." she squeezed my hand back and I unconsciously lent into kiss her cheek. I was startled by the door to the right opening with a loud click. I moved back into my own chair and followed Sara's gaze to the older man standing in the door.

He was sporting a white shirt and black suit pants and he had glassed perched on the end of his nose. A grey beard covered the lower portion of his face and he held a clip-board firmly in his hands. "Sara Sidle?" he questioned, looking at the both of us.

Sara stood up "That's me" she said. Although she tried to sound confident I could tell by her voice that deep down she was anything but.

"I'm Dr. Walker." the man extended a hand to Sara which she shook cautiously, the he turned his attention to me "You must be Catherine? We spoke on the phone" I nodded and stood next to Sara, before shaking the doctor's hand.

"Okay then. Let's get started" he sounded too cheerful for a therapist but I heard through work that he was highly recommended_. I really really hoped this would work._

He led me and Sara into his office, and on to a coach opposite a chair which he placed himself onto. I could tell from Sara's movements that something had changed between the waiting room and here. She was more tenses and she looked afraid. I gave her a comforting smile, but she just looked away and focused on a bookshelf on the opposite side of the room.

Silence fell over the room for what seemed like an eternity but in reality was just a few moments. Dr. Walker spoke first "Okay, Sara, what's been going on? What brought you two to me?" he asked getting the session started.

"I…I…I…" she stuttered "I don't know where to begin," her tone was cold and unemotional. I knew the doctor noted this.

Dr. Walkers eye's shifted from Sara to me, "It's okay," he said soothingly "I know it's hard. Catherine, why don't you start."

I went on to tell the doctor what happened over the last few weeks between Sara and I and how it had affected both of us. Sara started to answer the questions herself in depth, even though I could tell she was still overwhelmed and scared I could tell she was making some progress. She even mentioned some things from her childhood, which I knew must have been hard for her.

By the end of the session I saw a small smile on my lover's face which made me feel so happy. Things were beginning to look up. I took Sara's hand in mine as we thanked Dr. Walker and made our next appointment the following week, then walked out to the car. The drive home was uneventful we made small talk as both of us were too emotionally exhausted to start a deep conversation.

…..

When we got home we were greeted by my seven year old daughter "Mom, Sara, Hey!" she said throwing her arms around both of us.

"Hey short stuff," Sara greeted my daughter by picking her up and hugging her back.

"Sara, I have math homework," she began "and it's really complicated but Mrs. Fischer say's I can do it by I just need some help on the first question to get me started," she continued with out a breath.

"Okay, okay," Sara put Lindsey back on the ground and was led into the sitting room where Lindsey's school work was spread out across the table. I loved seeing my lover and my daughter interact like that. Sara was good with her and Lindsey absolutely adored Sara. Seeing the two of them interacting actually made me believe that everything in the world could turn out okay.

I saw my sister out and thanked her for looking after Lindsey. I told her the minor details of what was going on with me and Sara but I didn't tell her everything, because I knew as soon as my sister knew my mom would know and the there would be hell. I came back inside and went to start on the dinner but I was called to the sitting room by my daughter.

"Mom, Sara said that if it's okay with you we can get takeout pizza tonight.." she looked hopefully at me "so you don't have to cook" she added with a smile that matched Sara's. _How could I resist?_

"Okay, but you have to finish your homework first!"

….

It was a few hours later and all three of us were curled up on the sofa surrounded by pizza boxes watching Lindsey's favourite movie. Sara was sat in the middle, with Lindsey's head resting on her lap while her feet were dangling over the edge of the sofa and I was on Sara's other side curled up with her arm around me

This was perfect, just us. A family. We were all happy in that moment, all smiling and enjoying each others company. I wondered in the back of my mind if this perfection was all too good to be true. But I pushed that thought to the back of my mind and clung on to this one bit of perfection in the darkness I had begun to call, my life.

**A/N: So things are looking up. Or are they? Guess you'll just have to wait and see. PLEASE review and let me know what you think. Good and Bad comments are appreciated. **

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